I once met someone I found myself completely fascinated by. We met through an online dating site and almost immediately fell into lengthy emails, of course, on the topic of sexuality. You see, he is immersed in the world of Domination and submission. So after several email exchanges, I suggested we meet.
And so we did.
We talked for hours over coffee, exchanging philosophy, questioning one another and sharing “bedtime” stories.
I won’t lie here. I was intimidated…for perhaps the first time ever. And just to be clear, I wasn’t intimidated by the conversation. I was intimidated by his personality and hardcore acceptance of self-actualization. He lives this lifestyle completely.
Now I, and most of you if we are being honest, consider me a “freaky” girl. I love experimenting. I love play. I love shaking things up and the element of surprise. Hell, that’s what I write about.
I left that conversation with my head reeling. With so much intellectual exchange to chew through, I laid awake for hours pondering my OWN sexuality. For a self-proclaimed freak, my adventures paled in comparison to his. You see he openly admitted to needling, using dosages of electrocution, roping, and psychological play. His world of Domination allows him to the opportunity to “top” in an arena I have merely dabbled in.
One of the things that I walked away from that conversation pondering was my own Dominant/submissive needs. I’m a Dominant personality. I’m in control at work. I’m in control at home. I’m in control of my own control (outside of some meltdown circumstances). I attract submissive men for these various reasons, and lest us not forget my brief stint as a Domme myself. But when I think about my own sexual excitement, I’m most turned on when I am the one being dominated. I know it’s old school, but I love a man who can be a man.
But outside the arena of the sexual playground, I couldn’t possibly imagine being dominated. I’m too strong of a personality to allow someone to dictate my actions. I want my own finances and my own activities. In short, I want to be able to do what I want when I want. (Not saying I wouldn’t make time for someone else, but we’re talking about power here. And I will accept suggestions, but not orders.)
So given this, I began to wonder…
What type of a man would make an ideal partner for me?
I mean a Dominant man would likely want to dominate outside the bedroom, and a submissive one would perhaps turn me on for a while, but I would grow to crave more assertiveness and less goddess worshiping.
So I ask myself, Is it possible for a man to “top” from the bottom?
Is it possible for him to allow me the freedom to be the woman I want to be, allow me to experiment with my own capabilities, and take control in the bedroom sometimes…but then to overtake me as well? Is it possible to find a man who will open doors, treat me like a lady on the street, but be assertive and demanding behind closed doors?
When I think about my past with men, the relationships that lasted the longest and were most fulfilling did top from the bottom– Pyrate, Big Poppa, Zombie…but I suspect that my behavior outside the bedroom had a tendency to emasculate them. I mean I am a girl who has her shit together. I have my own house, my own car, a nice job, a hobby I am more than passionate about, a great family, and an openness to living that most people find overwhelming. There isn’t really much I need a man to provide. I mean all I’m really looking for is someone that treats me well, inspires me, values monogamy, is open to life, and is respectful (this includes honesty) and supportive at the heart of it all. Throw in a bit of bad boy edge (fashion and confidence, not demeanor), and I would be one happy, happy girl.
So where does one go to find a Top-from-the-bottom type of man? Can I put THAT in my online profile? Can I add this to my online searches? How many men even know this about themselves? Hell, I didn’t know this about myself until this conversation.
I once did a talk show discussing the statistics of dating. After taking into account my age, the percentage of “available” men in my age range, and the percentage of those men actually dating inside my geographical state, I’m down to a 0.02% chance of finding someone. Now I have to multiply that a “topping from the bottom” criteria?
…I think I’m screwed…and not in the good way.