Fuck Me Like an Animal…or Rather Don’t

I once researched a podcast episode on Animal Sex, and I found myself fascinated by the diversity of mating rituals.  In fact after reading for several hours, I found myself questioning if human fetish isn’t rooted in evolution.

Both Giraffes and Porcupines have mating rituals involving piss.  While the Giraffe seems to do it in an attempt to discover whether the female is in estrus (by nudging her until she pees in his mouth no less), the porcupine male shoots his urine from up to 6 feet away completely drenching the female.

If she’s impressed with his urine display, she will let him nuzzle up to her to blow his load.  A striking similarity to the practice of urophilia.

Ducks have extremely long penises and sometimes use them to lasso females.  I couldn’t help but think of the human practice of dick slapping.

The White-Fronted Parrot mating ritual curiously involves kissing.


But then they vomit on one another.  A striking similarity to Emetophilia.

Male dolphins are horny little fuckers.  They not only involve themselves in gang bangs, much like club kids on Ecstasy, they touch, rub and fuck anyone and ANYTHING they come across.

The Red-Sided Garter Snake and the Sea Hare both engage in massive orgies.  The female Red-Sided Garter Snake will often take on 100 males during mating.  Not to the note of Lisa Sparxxx 919 partners, but impressive none-the-less.

Sea Hares, on the other hand, are hermaphroditic.  They form insemination “trains” where the front hare acts as the female, and the caboose is the male.  The box cars?  Well, they give and receive simultaneously.

In some cases, they will actually form circles so that everyone is double-satisfied.  But don’t expect a cookie in the middle.

Male hippos not only shit themselves to attract females, they spin their tails like a propeller so that the shit sprays.  Talk about shit hitting the fan!  A striking similarity to coprophilia.

Snails literally Donkey Punch one another.  Galapagos Giant Tortoises are rapers.  And Brown Antechinus (a small rodent) is the sex addict of the animal world, literally fucking itself to death.

But by far the animal I was most fascinated by was the Dominatrix of the Animal Kingdom, the Hyena.  She not only possesses a fake dick (it’s actually an enlarged clit), she strictly controls who she has sex with.  You see they practice a sort of docking ritual where the male penis is stuck inside her pseudo-penis.

spotted hyena (Crocuta crocuta), mating, Kenya

Because of its position and her vicious nature, she has to ALLOW him “do the deed.”

In fact, much of the animal kingdom is riddled with acts of BDSM.

And if that isn’t proof enough that our fetish may be rooted in evolution, we need only to look to the Lynx Spider, who as we discussed a few episodes back, seems to enjoy a bit of Japanese Rope Bondage in its mating.


What do you think?  Could our peculiar sexual fetishes actually have evolutionary function?  Is there a link?

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